I'm Not a BIG Sports Fan BUT!...... UPDATED

 I Really do like "TIM THOMAS" of the Boston Bruins.

At 6 p.m., Thomas posted the following explanation on his Facebook page:
“I believe the Federal government has grown out of control, threatening the Rights, Liberties, and Property of the People.

“This is being done at the Executive, Legislative, and Judicial level. This is in direct opposition to the Constitution and the Founding Fathers vision for the Federal government.
“Because I believe this, today I exercised my right as a Free Citizen, and did not visit the White House. This was not about politics or party, as in my opinion both parties are responsible for the situation we are in as a country. This was about a choice I had to make as an INDIVIDUAL.
“This is the only public statement I will be making on this topic.”

Hilarious Self Defense Guns and Karate.......

H/T to "THEWOOSK"

If You Haven't Heard This One.....

I'm not responsible for a wet keyboard or chair:



"JESUS AND THE DEMOCRAT"

I hope you get a smile out of this one. (I don't care what party you like, this one's funny!!)

A Republican, in a wheelchair, entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?"

The waitress nodded "yes," so the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.

The next patron to come in was a Libertarian, with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus, over there?"

The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there honey! How's about getting me a cold mug of Miller Light?" He too looked across the restaurant and asked, "Isn't that God's boy over there?

The waitress nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold beer. "On my bill," he said loudly.

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back straightening up and he raised his hands, praised the Lord, and did a series of back flips out the door.

Then, Jesus walked towards the Democrat, just smiling.

Workin Hard...................

The Golfer's Excuse....

Ellen and Bob went for counseling after 25 years of marriage.  When asked what the problem was, Ellen went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.  She went on and on and on:  neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.      Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Ellen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband Bob watched with a raised eyebrow!     Ellen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused.   The therapist turned to Bob and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week.  Can you do this?"   Bob thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf."

TheOnesDay® *

Barack Obama, at a recent rural elementary school assembly in East Texas , asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence,  he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence..

Then Obama said into the microphone, "Children, uh, every time I, uh,  clap my hands together, a, uh, child in America dies from, uh, gun violence."

Little Richard Earl, with a proud East Texas drawl, pierced the quiet and said, '' Well, dummy, stop clapping!"

*registered to "BOREPATCH"

I've Seen Bits and Pieces of the TV Show Sister Wives.....

and never understood really why a man would want more than one wife...

then I saw this and now I'm packing for Utah.

I know I know.......

What's Going on Here??

Ok I'm sitting at my desk paying bills and surfing the intertubes and this one made me laugh out loud in my office...

There are some funny ass people out there that post shit on the internet..

Thank you whoever you are for making me laugh!!!

Knuckledragging Men...........

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.


Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little 'oral sex' will do the trick and bring her out of the coma.'

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.

The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'

NEVER ASSUME THAT MEN UNDERSTAND

DON'T hold up "HIS" golf game......

A Catholic priest, a doctor, a rich businessman and Obama were waiting one morning for a particularly slow
group of golfers in front of them.

Obama fumed, 'What's with those jerks?  We're waiting fifteen minutes between shots!'

The doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!'

The rich businessman called out, 'Move it, time is money!'

The Catholic priest said, 'Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. Excuse me, sir!' said the priest, 'What's wrong with
that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'

The greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'

The group fell silent for a moment. 


The Catholic priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'

The doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything that he might be able to do for them.'

The rich businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire fighters union in honor of these brave souls!' 

Obama said, 'Why the f..k can't they play at night?

LOST KID IN STORE......

A Muslim kid can't find his mother in the supermarket.

The store attendant says ''What does your mother look like?''

The kid says "How the Hell should I know?"

Who The Hell Would Do Something SOOO Stupid.....

...as to leave a pair of shoes in the hallway like that!!
Someone could trip over them or break an ankle stepping on them.

Please Help if You Can......

Hundreds of Professional Football players in our very own nation are going to be locked out, forced through no fault if their own to live at well below the seven-figure salary level they have been receiving. And as if that weren't bad enough they could be deprived of their life-giving pay for several months, possibly even longer, as a result of the upcoming lockout situation. But here'a the GOOD news -- YOU can help!

For only $27,080 a month, only about $902.75 a day (that's less than the cost of a large screen projection TV), you can help an NFL player remain economically viable during his time of need. This contribution by no means solves the problem totally, as it barely covers the annual minimum salary, but it IS a start, and every little bit helps!

Although $900 may not seem like a lot of money to you, to a football player it could mean the difference between spending the lockout golfing in Florida or on a Mediterranean cruise. For you, nine hundred dollars is nothing more than a month's rent, a mortgage payment, or a month of medical insurance, but to a football player, $900 will partially replace his daily salary.
Your commitment of only $900 a day will enable a player to buy that badly needed home entertainment center, trade in his year-old Lexus for a new Ferrari, or enjoy a weekend in Rio .

YOU MAY ASK -- HOW WILL I KNOW I'M HELPING?
Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the player you sponsor. Detailed information about his stocks, bonds, 401(k), real estate, and other investment holdings will be mailed to your home. Plus, upon signing up for this program, you will receive an unsigned photo of the player lounging during the lockout on a beach somewhere in the Caribbean (for a signed photo, please include an additional $150). Put the photo on your refrigerator to remind you of other peoples' suffering.

YOU MAY ASK -- HOW WILL HE KNOW I'M HELPING?
Your NFL player will be told that he has a SPECIAL FRIEND who just wants to help in a time of need. Although the player won't know your name, he will be able to make collect calls to your home via a special operator in case additional funds are needed for unforeseen expenses.
YES, I WANT TO HELP!

I would like to sponsor a locked-out NFL player. My preference is (check below):
[ ] Offense [ ] Defense [ ] Special Teams [ ] Entire team
Please charge the account listed below $902.75 per day for the duration of the lockout. Please send me a picture of the player and my very own Roger Goodell (NFL Commissioner) pin to wear proudly on my hat (include $80 for hat).
Your Name:____________________Telephone Number:___________________
Account Number:__________________Exp.Date:_______
[ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa [ ] American Express [ ] Other
Signature:_______________________
Alternate card (when the primary card exceeds its credit limit):
Account Number:_______________________ Exp.Date:_______
[ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa [ ] American Express [ ] Other
Signature:________________________________

PS. If you have a little extra, in your charity would you please enclose something for the needy cheerleaders. Contrary to public opinion, cheerleaders ARE people too.

That Reminds Me.......

..... I gotta get my truck washed

Movie Quiz......

Try this test and find out what movie is your favorite.

This amazing math quiz can likely predict which of 18 movies you would enjoy the most.

It really works!

Movie Test:

Pick a number from 1-9.

Multiply by 3.

Add 3.

Multiply by 3 again.

Now add the two digits of your answer together to find your predicted favorite movie in the list of 18 movies below.

TheOnesDay® *

Critics say that Presidential candidate Barack Obama tries to "be all things to all people" and that he makes too many "pie-in-the-sky" promises. At a recent political rally, Obama tried to overcome these criticisms by emphasizing his commitment to principles. Afterwards, audience members lined up at a microphone to ask Obama questions.

The first person at the microphone said, "I oppose the war in Iraq. If you are re-elected, what will you do about that?"

"I will end the war in Iraq within two weeks ," answered Obama. "All our troops will come home, and I will simultaneously make sure the Iraqi government is functioning and secure."

The second person in line said, "I'm an illegal alien. What will you do for people like me?"

"If I am re-elected," answered Obama, "every illegal alien will receive U.S. citizenship, free health coverage, and a scholarship to the university of your choice."


The third person in line said, "I'm a conservative. If elected, what will you do for
me?"

"I'll send that first guy to Iraq, and the second guy back to Mexico."

Taking a Trip Around the Closet......

Check out this recording of a guy who was locked in a closet on an acid trip. When his friends got a hold of it they put a video around his voice in their interpretation of what he was seeing. A funny WTF.


If you haven't seen this one yet...... its pretty funny!!!


Timothy Leary seen nodding in approval.......

txting and the proper use of capital letters.............

        In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and
more people who send text messages and emails have long
forgotten the "art" of capitalization.

Those of you who fall into this world, please take note of the
statement below. I cannot stress enough how grammar is very
important to it.

"Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack
off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse."

Is everybody clear on that?

How to Tell When its Time to Call Father Damian Karras...

Gimme One Good Reason...................

found during a surfing session...............