My Daughter Said....

My daughter just walked into the living room and said "Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, and stereo, and iPhone, and iPod, and my laptop.
Please take all of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters.
Then sell my new car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my brother.


Well, she didn't put it quite like that... she actually said...

Medical distinction between Guts and Balls

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls.   We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions: GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning,  or are you flying somewhere?' BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.' I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically, speaking there is No difference in the outcome. Both result in death.

LOST KID IN STORE......

A Muslim kid can't find his mother in the supermarket.

The store attendant says ''What does your mother look like?''

The kid says "How the Hell should I know?"

TheOnesDay® *

Critics say that Presidential candidate Barack Obama tries to "be all things to all people" and that he makes too many "pie-in-the-sky" promises. At a recent political rally, Obama tried to overcome these criticisms by emphasizing his commitment to principles. Afterwards, audience members lined up at a microphone to ask Obama questions.

The first person at the microphone said, "I oppose the war in Iraq. If you are re-elected, what will you do about that?"

"I will end the war in Iraq within two weeks ," answered Obama. "All our troops will come home, and I will simultaneously make sure the Iraqi government is functioning and secure."

The second person in line said, "I'm an illegal alien. What will you do for people like me?"

"If I am re-elected," answered Obama, "every illegal alien will receive U.S. citizenship, free health coverage, and a scholarship to the university of your choice."


The third person in line said, "I'm a conservative. If elected, what will you do for
me?"

"I'll send that first guy to Iraq, and the second guy back to Mexico."

TheOnesDay® *

One day in the future, Barack Obama has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

“I don’t know what to do here,” says the devil. “You are on my list, but I have no room. You definitely were meant to be here, so I tell you what I’m going to do. I’ve got a few folks here who weren’t quite as useless as you. I’ll let one of them go, but you have to take their place, I’ll even let YOU choose who leaves.”

Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dove in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

“No,” Obama said. “I don’t think so. I’m a weak swimmer, and I don’t think I could do that all day long.”

The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

“No, this is no good; I’ve got this problem with my weak shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day,” commented Obama.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, “Yeah man, I can handle this.” The devil smiled and said .. . . . .

My Kind Of Guy.....

An Arizona Department of Safety Officer pulled over a pick-up truck owner for a faulty taillight. When the officer approached the driver, the man behind the wheel handed the officer his driver’s license, insurance card and a concealed weapon carry permit. The officer took all the documents, looked them over and said. "Mr. Smith, I see you have a CCP. Do you have any weapons with you?" The driver replied, " Yes sir, I have a 357 handgun in a hip holster, a .45 in the glove box and a .22 derringer in my boot." The officer looked at the driver and asked, "Anything else?" "Yes sir, I have a Mossberg 500 12 gauge and an AR-15 behind the seat." The officer asked if the man was driving to or from a shooting range and the man said he wasn't, so the officer bent over and looked into the driver's face and said "Mr. Smith, you're carrying quite a few guns. May I ask what you are afraid of? Mr. Smith locked eyes with the officer and calmly answered, "Not a fucking thing."

The Ghost of Abe Lincoln......for teh Win!

One night, Obama is tossing restlessly in his White House bed. He awakens to see George Washington standing by him. Barack asks him, "George, what's the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises, then fades away.

The next night, Obama is astir again, and sees the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom. Obama calls out, "Tom, please tell me "what is the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Respect the Constitution, like I did," Jefferson advises, and dims from sight.

Barack still isn't sleeping well the third night when he sees yet another figure moving in the shadows. It is Abraham Lincoln's ghost. "Abe, what is the best thing that I can do right now, to help the country?" Obama pleads.