Funny Stuff I Saw Earlier and "Borrowed" ....

Borrowed from "Boilerdoc"

From "ATrainwreckinMaxwell"

Just for perspective

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked. "No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on hunting stuff instead of food?" the man asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't hunted in 20 years!"

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting ."

Me thinks that.......

Someone is trying to tell me "something"

If Dogs Could Talk...LMAO!

Friday Funny..

A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be THE Man of Your House."
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced,
"From now on, you need to know that I
am the man of this house and my word is Law.
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm done eating my meal,
you will serve me a scrumptious dessert..
After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want!
Afterward's, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax.
You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then, you will massage my feet and hands.
Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

The wife replied, "The damn funeral director would be my first guess, unless I have your ass
cremated".

That guy is crazy......

He might fall out of the raft and get eaten by sharks........

Banned Plasma TV Commercial.........

My sick and twisted funny bone was tickled harshly by this one!!!......it's banned for a reason ;)












H/T to Rob A

If I was Walking Down the Hall in the Dorm.......

What would I do if this sign caught my eye?


I guess I would have to do my Good Samaritan deed


and spend the night in the bathroom.

Medical distinction between Guts and Balls

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls.   We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions: GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning,  or are you flying somewhere?' BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.' I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically, speaking there is No difference in the outcome. Both result in death.

New... Firefox add-on

Monitor Cleaning..............

The Group....

The  Group
 A group of 15-year old teen boys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Dairy Queen next to the Ocean View restaurant because they only had $6.00 between them and Joannie Johnson, that cute girl in Social Studies, lived on that street and they might see her. And also they could ride their bikes there.

Ten years later, the group of 25-year-old guys discussed where they should  meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at  the Ocean View restaurant near the Dairy Queen because the beer was cheap, they had free snacks, the band was good, there was no cover and there were lots of cute girls.                         

Ten years later, at 35 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the booze was good, it was right near the gym, and if they went late enough there wouldn't be any whiny little kids.

Ten years later, at 45 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the martinis were big and the waitresses were young and wore tight pants. 

Ten years later, at 55 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the prices were reasonable, the wine list wasn't bad and fish is good for your cholesterol. 

Ten years later, at 65 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the lighting was good, the menu had large type, and the Ocean View had a pretty good early bird special.

Ten years later, at 75 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food wasn't spicy and the restaurant was handicapped accessible.

Ten years later, at 85 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.

There is Unrest in the Forest..............

Internet VS. Reality People.............

I found this whilst surfing.............

Newlyweds......

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."

The wife said,"You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, ly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..."

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh? "She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know... there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, cutie pie?

.."LISTEN UP, D*CKHEAD! DRINK YOUR F**KING BEER IN YOUR GOD D*MN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHER F**KING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU ARE MARRIED NOW, YOU SELFISH BASTARD. YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, A**HOLE?"

........and, they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story?

Friday Funny.....

IF you quit drinking how are you supposed to Celebrate Anything??

I found this picture set in the internets and I LOL'D :)


h/t to Rob A