VERY BRAVE MAN JOKES...... ( I will now duck and run)

 Just for the record.....
These were forwarded to me by one of the inside sales girls at my tool supplier...
She's in her late 20's and has a GREAT sense of humor...

Thank R. :)



How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Television
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman

What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there..

Look Closely....

Look Closely! 

 Notice anything? 

Look closely... 

 
You see it now? 

 ....Still don't see it?

 Come on now..

come on now you can't tell that...
I cleaned out my shop!


h/t to john b.

Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking...

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken
ship.

"Follow me, son," the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the
mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins
showing."  









And they did.


"Well done, son!  Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins
showing." 


And they did.


"Now we eat everybody."  And they did.


When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them
all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"




His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit
inside!" 

H/T to Tom H

Dear Tide, ( Women's Letter)

I am writing to say
what an excellent product
you have.
I've used it all of my married life,
as my Mom always told me
it was the best.
Now that I am in my middle years,
I find it even better!
In fact, about a month ago,
I spilled some red wine
on my new white blouse.
My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me
about how clumsy I was,
and generally started becoming
a pain in the neck.

One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood
on my new white blouse!
I grabbed my bottle
of Tide with bleach alternative,
and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!

In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday
told me that the DNA tests
on my blouse were negative.

Then my attorney called
and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

What a relief!
Going through menopause
is bad enough without being
a murder suspect!
I thank you, once again,
for having a great product.

Well, gotta go.
I have to write to
the Hefty bag people.

thanks to Tom H! :)

Birthday Barbie Gift...

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?' The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.

The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls.

H/T to Dan A.

Tools Explained

·    DRILL PRESS:   A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it. 

·    WIRE WHEEL:  Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light.  Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh--!'

·    SKIL SAW:  A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

·    PLIERS:  Used to round off bolt heads.  Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

·    BELT SANDER:  An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

·    HACKSAW:  One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle...  It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

·    VISE-GRIPS:  Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads.  If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. 

·    OXYACETYLENE TORCH:  Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire.  Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race. 

·    TABLE SAW:  A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. 

·    HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:  Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper. 

·    BAND SAW:  A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge. 

·    TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:  A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect. 

·    PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:  Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. 

·    STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:  A tool for opening paint cans.. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms. 

·    PRY BAR:  A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part. 

·    HOSE CUTTER:  A tool used to make hoses too short. 

·    HAMMER:  Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. 

·    UTILITY KNIFE:  Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.  Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. 

·    SON-OF-A-B****  TOOL:  (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a B **** !' at the top of your lungs.  It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need. 

 

Hope you found this informative.

You Never See Dead Penguins Do You?

Penguins 

 

 
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins

on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go ?
                                   
Wonder no more ! ! !

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic

bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life .

 The penguin is very committed to its family and will

mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of

compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life .

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members

of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes

in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is

deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried .

The male penguins then gather in a circle

around the fresh grave and sing:

Men Are Just Happier People -- Humpday Funny

What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet..
One mood all the  time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your Own  jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, He or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is  $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough..
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.. 
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives On December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.

 

More of Men Are Just Happier People... 
NICKNAMES
·  If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
·  If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman .

EATING OUT
·  When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50.  None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
·  When the girls get their bill, out come the calculators.

MONEY
·  A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
·  A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
·  A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
·  The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.  A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
·  A woman has the last word in any argument.
·  Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
·  A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
·  A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
·  A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
·  A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
·  A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
·  A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
·  A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
·  A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
·  Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
·  Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
·  Ah, children.  A woman knows all about her children.  She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
·  A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.


THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes.  There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!


SO, send this to the women who have a sense of humor and who can handle it ....  and to the men who will enjoy reading it.

( Don't Blame Me, Blame Tom for sending this to me)

FOR ALL of YOU TOOL NUTS .....here's a great present.

I just bought this new gauge from Home Depot Tool Dept. It takes a while to learn all the settings but I'm pretty handy and was patient, so I figured it out eventually. You know for sure with this gauge, there is no more guessing! Home Depot......A man's toy store......... It's just so much fun to use. I really love it!!! A guy just can't own too many tools.

Liberals Are Like......

Liberals are like Christmas lights

because they all hang together,

half of them don't work,

and the ones that do aren't that bright.




H/T to Tom H.

Funny Retro-Modern Captions......

"MORE HERE"

Tips For The Perfect Marriage.....

 These are attributed to various people if you search google:
 

1. Two times a week  go to a nice restaurant, have a
little beverage, good food and companionship.
She goes on Tuesdays,You go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in California , and mine is in Texas ..

3. I take my wife everywhere,
but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our
anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place
to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!".

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was 'Always'.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!".

Tom The Chicken......

Tom came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.   He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said,
'You died in your sleep, Tom.'.

 

Tom was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send
me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that
is as a chicken.' 

Tom was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The
next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?' 

'Not bad,' replied Tom the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm
gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an
egg before?' 'Never,' said Tom.

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal. He
did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome
with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg his joy
was overwhelming.. 

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head,
and heard.....