Thursday, December 1, 2011

Tools Explained

·    DRILL PRESS:   A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it. 

·    WIRE WHEEL:  Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light.  Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh--!'

·    SKIL SAW:  A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

·    PLIERS:  Used to round off bolt heads.  Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

·    BELT SANDER:  An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

·    HACKSAW:  One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle...  It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

·    VISE-GRIPS:  Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads.  If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. 

·    OXYACETYLENE TORCH:  Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire.  Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race. 

·    TABLE SAW:  A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. 

·    HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:  Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper. 

·    BAND SAW:  A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge. 

·    TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:  A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect. 

·    PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:  Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. 

·    STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:  A tool for opening paint cans.. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms. 

·    PRY BAR:  A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part. 

·    HOSE CUTTER:  A tool used to make hoses too short. 

·    HAMMER:  Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. 

·    UTILITY KNIFE:  Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.  Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. 

·    SON-OF-A-B****  TOOL:  (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a B **** !' at the top of your lungs.  It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need. 

Hope you found this informative.


  1. This is freakin' hilarious and entirely accurate, especially the son-of-a-bitch tool.

  2. Ha, good stuff. Here are the Infamous Rules of Industrial Maintenance

  3. Old Shop Saying

  4. Make that Sayings. Let's go viral videos. Save millions of dollars with this Insane Car Battery Hack!

  5. Oh sure, everyone has tools but what do you do with them? I'd sure like to build this baby!

  6. Thanks ANON.. you should log in to post. Do you have a blog?

  7. HAAAAAA!!!! I love it! And my boss doesn't understand the Son-of-a-B**** tool, being a science geek (and not a very good one at that). It disrupts his "harmonious work environment" (GAG!!!). Leave the wrenchin' to the professionals, and leave the professionals alone!

  8. Thats some funny shit. Too true. :)

  9. You forget the BFH - Big Effing Hammer. Pretty good list though, and descriptions fit my uses very well. My timeline for projects - 3x as long as I think, and I generally have to run to store twice for things I effed up during work. :^)

  10. I am very familiar with those tools.

  11. I have most of those tools, even some of the power ones.

    BTW, and electric drill is a tool to more efficiently drill too large a hole in the piece you are working on. Much quicker than a hand drill.

  12. Nope, no blog. Maybe someday. I'll try to figure out a decent way to sign in. I'm kinda lazy and private browsing makes it a bit more difficult.


  13. Ha, there we go. Now I've got a blue name, too. So as long as I can remember Turboencabulator I'm good to go.


Leave us a comment if you like...