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Sunday, December 3, 2023

Snow is rare here in the Southland and I have had almost zero experience shoveling it, but I can certainly relate to the humor in this piece titled "Diary of Snow Shoveler".


DIARY OF A SNOW SHOVELER:
Moved to North Dakota this fall. We heard that summers are fun and winter is beautiful. We think there is no more beautiful a place in the whole world!
December 8 - 6:00 PM It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic, we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9 - We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had! Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.
This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!
December 12 - The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry- we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.
December 14 - Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15 - 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
December 16 - Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
December 17 - Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God! I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20 - Electricity's back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling! Took all day. The damn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but. they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
December 22 - Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob-who has a plow on his truck-for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.
December 23 - Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago. She says she did but I think she's lying.
December 24 - 6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snow plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling, and then he comes down the street...at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents...but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplow.
December 25 - Merry f---ing Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop tonight - snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to feed her through a chipper shredder.
December 26 - Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27 - Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $4,400 to replace all my pipes.
December 28 - Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The BITCH is driving me crazy!!!
December 29 - 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
December 30 - Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars, not only for the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted.
December 31 - I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.
January 8 - Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed ???
-Author Unknown
H/T to Bob in E-town!


 

39 comments:

  1. So, snow is not normal for your area? I live here in the Northeast where our average snowfall is 13 feet (that is correct 13 FEET). And this year so far - zero. I know about snow removal, and I am very happy that I have not done any this year - yet. BobT

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  2. Header link goes to Bustednuckles. ???
    Steve S6

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    1. He sent it to me last night. It came from a twitter post. I editted the size to fit but haven't had a chance to search for it. I figured it might send Phil some traffic :)

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    2. Like we need more traffic...

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    3. Well at least it would come from here. Less chance of tards.
      Steve S6

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  3. Here in South Texas, years with snowfall become enshrined in memory. I don’t think there have been 5 snows in the 34 years I’ve lived here. Freezes, yes. Ice occasionally, but snow is a big deal.

    In exchange is the 105 degree summers with 90% humidity that lasts from May to October.

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  4. I was stationed at Minot ND 74-78. My first winter after the first major snow, my Crew Commander called and asked me to pick him up because his driveway was drifted over. I drove to his house on base and the snowdrift started at the curb, and went over the roof. Every house on the street was like that. The first of nearly forty double-digit below-zero winters spent in North Dakota, Upstate NY, The Adirondacks, and Northern Vermont. My wife and I retired to South Carolina and do not miss the snow AT ALL!

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    1. Minot's town slogan is: "Why not Minot? The freezin's the reason!"

      Good friend of mine grew up there and my neighbor was stationed there.

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    2. No, that is NOT the "town" slogan, the Main Gate into Minot (from highway 52) simply says, "Why not Minot?"
      Well, it has devolved to:
      Why not Minot?
      Freezin's the reason.
      It's cold, I'm told,
      but ice is nice.

      Was there from '72 to '76. Minuteman missiles. Out on the sweeping plains of NOOOrth DAAAkooota.
      Coldest I've been was -72 (and it was NOT wind chill!) and the hottest was 115. The missiles didn't care, they were underground at 55 degrees plus or minus 1/2 a degree. We saw to it.

      It sucked. It really sucked.

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  5. Shoveling rules to live by:
    Start by spraying your shovel with silicone or Teflon lubricant.
    If you can just push it, don't even pick it up.
    If you have to pick it up, don't lift it any higher or throw it any farther than necessary.
    Don't hurry.

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    1. Snow bird in FL from Minnesota. As I aged, my attitude changed to "fuck it. It will melt in the spring."

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    2. Place your shovel outside by the door. If it is the same temperature as the ice and snow, nothing will stick. Use your legs when moving snow. Be upwind always.
      Livin' in Saskatchewan.

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    3. Who TF brings their snow shovel inside DA?? Nobody!

      Just use the lube because the snow will stick, if you have to use your legs, or you're worried about wind direction you're lifting it too high and throwing it too far.

      Don't care where you live.

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    4. Been moving snow in northern MN since 1957... and know many people who park their snow shovels in heated garages. Bring it outside to sit in the air for a few minutes, will not get DRY snow to stick. WET snow will stick to anything, even clogs blowers and builds up on plows. Now that I'm old, my attitude is similar to many: "Spring is coming." If my 4WD can't get through it, I'll just wait it out. Always trust the county/city/state to build a huge berm bank to replace everything you moved. Being close to the northern border, I've seen snow over the house roof and once drifted over the power lines. It was a helluva mess that whole year.

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    5. People with heated garages don't shovel their own snow. Just use the silicone

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  6. I went to middle school and high school in the Western Upper Penninsula of Michigan--the south shore of Lake Superior. Schools did not close unless there was 3 feet of snow in 24 hours, or it was below -30F. A normal year would see something on the order of 50 feet of snow. Some years we got more, a lot more.
    The answer is to buy an BIG snowblower, a snowmobile and ice fishing equipment. Yes, the plow often comes by twice a day and fills in the end of the driveway, hence the BIG snowblower. You go out to the frozen lakes and catch fish. Actually a wonderful way to live once you get used to it. Very few troublemakers at -20F.

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    1. Fibber, the record is only 390 inches on the Keweenaw Snowmometer.

      Much better to have a snowplow than a snowblower, and the snowmobile is for when you need to make more wood in late winter or you run out of alcohol and the roads are packed in.

      Of course you can't afford anything good on a $10/hour job, so the plow-truck you get from your bother-in-law that works at Tech has a shitty starter that freezes up below 10° so you need to get the ashpan and cardboard out to thaw the fucker out and you get fuckin'nuts cuz you haven't seen the sun since late November and it's snowed 75 days straight so pop another one....

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    2. Not a fibber. I have a photo of my wife, on our honeymoon, standing next to a "thermometer" on the Ontanagon/Gogebic County border, showing the normal snowfall in that area. It is a bit over 40' tall. Keweenaw is further north and east.

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    3. MNSteel-- you live a bit south of me, I'd bet. Somewhere near the Divide, so I'll throw my ten cents in and say... I'm sure you understand weather is/can be a "local" thing. I've a brother who lives 30 miles (+/-) south of me and we discuss our weather all the time. Being south of the Divide, he will get snow on days I have nothing but worked the news when Tower set the sixty-below record, to be outshot by the Ely crew because they called it first. My brother reached a low of 58 below on his WX station. Another year, '91, was the snowiest Halloween of record-- in some areas. My 80 yard driveway had 40+ inches on the flat. Nothing moved for two days up here. Except my neighbor who had a 4WD Scout and made tracks all the way to town to get food for his brother-in-law. I think you'll agree, northern MN weather is something to behold.

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  7. That was hilarious. Almost fell out of my chair laughing.

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  8. 'Grew up with snow. 'Spent four years in Alaska in snow on Long Island. 'Spent three years on a Coast Guard cutter that perpetually prowled the Bering Sea. THAT was the most UN-FUN snow of all! Nothing like hurricane-force windblown snow mixed with beating ice off the ship's superstructure with a baseball bat to make your day! Woo-HOOOO!

    Rule of thumb: snow is GREAT until you actually have to LIVE in it!!!

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  9. Heh,

    I lived in North Dakota for six years in the 1960's and they don't get nearly that much snow.

    But the wind tends to move it around into drifts as fast as you shovel them, so the shoveling is still endless, and he's got the temperatures right.

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  10. Mike Rosen of KOA radio in Denver used to read this after the first snowfall. He set it in Evergreen, CO.

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  11. Nooooo...I live in Florida. If I'm outside shoveling that shit, it had damn sure better be grade a peruvian flaked cocaine...
    Besides...flamethrowers are perfectly legal here.

    Sedition

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  12. Moved to Denver in '83 from New Mexico. 100 year blizzard over thanksgiving, and we had snow in the yard till April. :-)

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  13. Thanks a million, I laughed all the way through it. Thank god I used toilet before this otherwise I’d of wet myself

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  14. This one has been making the rounds in Tahoe for decades...a place that can see 20 or more feet of snow in a season. And that's at lake level. Double that on the surrounding peaks.

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  15. Live in Colorado mountains on a ranch. I would rather have a mile of driveway and a tractor with a plow.than a 20 foot walkway and a shovel!

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  16. I'm in love with the image of the lady alchemist in your header; would you mind providing a link to the original illustration so I can use it as a background, please?

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  17. In the South we have the Jan-Feb monsoon season. Might get 5 inches of rain in just a few hours. Also tornadoes. We had one come thru here in Jan 2012. Every region has its weather issues.

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  18. Moved from ND after 45 years to the South and don't miss it one bit. Great as a kid but not so much as an adult. 2 feet of snow on wedding day sucked, had to shovel snow in dress shoes and tux. Nope, not one bit of regret.

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  19. I first saw this or something similar 35-40 years ago on the DEC inhouse net. The only difference between that one and this one is that the old one was set in Vermont in one of those little towns that border Lake Champagne(sic) where they get inundated with lake effect snow until it freezes over.

    Nemo

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  20. Survived the NE Blizzard of '65. Whole cars disappeared in the drifts. Moved to Minneapolis in '73, got a wet snow in late November that lasted till May. X-mas week was -25 every night. Broke nose sledding and laid face down in a snowbank. Didn't feel a thing until my face thawed from being inside. First new purchase after buying first house was a Toro single stage snow blower and a quality shovel. That worked fine up till 6 inches. Bought a 5hp 2 stage for serious wet snow. Sold them both (took 20 minutes) when we moved to Alabama. Kept the shovel. Got a 3 incher 4 winters ago and you would have thought the world ended. Used the shovel to clear the drive and sidewalk. All the neighbors were jealous. Also kept the roof rake, as a memento, works on leaves on the gutter guards. The neighbors are jealous of that too.

    Spin Drift

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  21. I read one similar about British Columbia. At the end they've moved to Saskatchewan. Funny stuff. My senior year of HS got 29" in 24 hours, suburban Chicago.

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  22. Currently live in NoDak. That journal isn't far from the truth. Havent had to break out the snowblower yet, thank goodness. The worst part of living here is the April snowstorms. Just when you think its Spring, "BLAMO!", 14 inches fall. By that time you just say eff it and leave the snowblower in the shed. It will melt in a week or two....

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  23. This looks like the perfect place for this so others may..learn..(or not) - https://survivalblog.com/2011/04/03/paretos-law-and-how-i-survived/

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