Steven Hunter ... for the WIN!

I'm sure some of you might have heard this joke before:

I went out with some friends last night and had too many drinks.  Knowing that I was way over the limit, I did something that I have never done before. I took a bus home.
I arrived home safe and warm, which seemed really surprising as I have never driven a bus before.


Well it seems like Steven Hunter really liked it.......

Authorities say a Nebraska party goer who passed out in a limousine bus' bathroom drove the 40-foot-long vehicle home, but left his wallet in a pair of jeans in the bathroom.

"LINKY"

A DEMOCRAT IN THE WOODS

A Democrat was walking through the woods.

'What majestic trees!' 'What powerful rivers!'
'What beautiful animals!' He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a
rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to look. He saw a 8-foot grizzly bear charge towards
him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer.
He tripped & fell on the ground.

He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant moment, the Democrat cried out: 'Oh my God!'

Suddenly time stopped. The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a loud voice
came out of the sky.

"You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit my creation to a cosmic accident."
"Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?"
"Am I to count you as a believer?"

The Democrat looked directly into the light, and said: 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a
Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a
Christian?'

'Very well', said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both
paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from Thy bounty through
Christ our Lord, Amen."

 

 

(from somewhere in the comments somewhere ....)

Knuckledragging Men...........

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.


Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little 'oral sex' will do the trick and bring her out of the coma.'

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.

The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'

NEVER ASSUME THAT MEN UNDERSTAND