A man's wife asks him.......

............. to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.

After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home. His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed.

"Where the hell have you been?!" "Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her." "Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!"

She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You God damn liar!! You went bowling again!!"

An Old Flame Called Me.....

I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning

called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to

enjoy together.

Advice For An Older Guy......

I was working out at the gym the other day, when I spotted a sweet
young thing doing squats.....

I asked the trainer that was near-by,
"What machine should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?".




The trainer looked me up and down and said…
"try the ATM in the lobby."







H/T to Tom H.

Strange Breakfast.....

I woke up this morning, got dressed and went in the kitchen where my wife was already fixing breakfast.

 

I looked to see what she was cooking, and I see one of my socks in the frying pan.
"What are you doing?" I asked her.
She said "I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed very
Drunk," she replied.

 

Completely puzzled,  I walked  away thinking to  myself ,

"I don't remember asking her to cook my sock..."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

H/T to Tom H.

The Scottish Caddy.....

During his vacation at Martha's Vineyard - President Obama had been slicing off the tee on every hole.

He asks his Scottish caddy if he has noticed any obvious reasons for his poor tee shots, to which the caddy replies:

"Aye, there's a piece of shyt on the end of yer driver."

The President picks up his driver and cleans the club face, at which point the caddy says:

"No, the other end."

The Doctor's Office

When my doctor asked me about what I did yesterday, I described my day:

"Well, yesterday afternoon I waded across the edge of a lake, escaped from a mountain lion in the heavy brush, marched up and down a mountain, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand and jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake."

My doctor responded, "You must be an awesome outdoors man!"

"Well, no," I replied. "I'm just a terrible golfer."

An Old Marine Pilot.......

An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old
USMC
flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She
turned
to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first
Steadman's,
then the early Grummans... Flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later
in
the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260
people
to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you,
what
are you?

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked
women.
As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I
shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked
women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old
pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?"

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a
lesbian.' 

Drink Orders...

A Utah Mormon was seated next to an Irish Catholic on a flight back to the   States from London .

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were   taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey and a glass of Guinness, which was   promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust "I'd rather be savagely raped by a   dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drinks back to the attendant and said, "Me   too, I didn't know we had a choice."

H/T to Tom H.

3 New Navy Ships......AMAZING

Here's a glimpse of the new aircraft carrier USS Reagan and two other unique ships.

USS REAGAN

When the Bridge pipes 'Man the Rail' there is a lot of rail to man on this monster: shoulder to shoulder, around 4.5 acres.  Her displacement is about 100,000 tons with full complement.  

Capability

Top speed exceeds 30 knots, powered by two nuclear reactors that can operate for more than 20 years without refueling                   

1. Expected to operate in the fleet for about 50 years

2. Carries over 80 combat aircraft 

3. Three arresting cables can stop a 28-ton aircraft going 150 miles per hour in less than 400 feet

Size

1. Towers 20 stories above the waterline

2. 1092 feet long; nearly as long as the Empire State Building is tall

3.  Flight deck covers 4.5 acres

4.  4 bronze propellers, each 21 feet across, weighing 66,200  pounds

5.  2 rudders, each 29 by 22 feet and weighing 50 tons

6.  4 high speed aircraft elevators, each over 4,000 square feet  

Capacity

1. Home to about 6,000 Navy personnel 

2. Carries enough food and supplies to operate for 90 days

3.  18,150 meals served daily

4.  Distillation plants provide 400,000 gallons of fresh water from sea water daily, enough for 2,000 homes      

5.  Nearly 30,000 light fixtures and 1,325 miles of cable and wiring 1,400 telephones

6.  14,000 pillowcases and 28,000 sheets

Recently, At a Wedding Reception......

...... someone yelled,"All the married men  please stand next to
the one person who has made your life worth living."

GRANDPA vs GRANDMA

Have you ever wondered what the difference is between grandmothers and grandfathers?

Well, here it is:

There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his daughter's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 7-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time--just him and his granddaughter.

One particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for the drive.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather, who was still in bed.

"Well, did you enjoy your ride with Grandma?" he asked.

"Oh, yes, Grandpa, it was really wonderful. We didn't see a single asshole, piece of shit, horse's ass, blind bastard, dipshit, Muslim goat humper, or son of a bitch anywhere we went!"

Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

Montana Bear Tragedy ....

This is a very sad story about a bear...  

Everybody should heed the warnings not to feed wildlife because they become dependent and don't forage for themselves any longer. It is such a tragedy to see what has been done to our country's wildlife.

The photo below captures a disturbing trend that is beginning to affect
U.S. wildlife.

 

Animals that formerly were self-sufficient are now showing signs......

Something To Offend Everyone!

I'd just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days.' I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.'

I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were NOT the correct answers.

A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time. She said 'sorry about the wait.' I said, 'Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it eventually '

I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank. When I came out, he looked at me and said 'Any Change?' I said, 'Nope, you're still black'

Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, 'fat chance,' with a face like that!

10 year old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man passing by asks 'What's wrong, lad?' The boy says 'Me ma died this morning.' 'Oh bejaysus,' The man says, 'Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?' The boy replies, 'No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.'

Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!

Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself...'I'm going to take that.'

Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland. He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him Where am I? The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back. You're in that f__n' basket.

I had a big lead in a trivia competition at a local bar until the last question which I got wrong. The question was, Where do women have the curliest hair? Fiji was the correct answer...hell, how did I know they wanted the name of a country?

Email Inbox Joke.......

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his
Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when
he realized that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak
English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and
says to the chief, 'This is a tree.'

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, 'Tree.'

The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and
he points to a rock and says, 'This is a rock.'

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, 'Rock.'

The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he
hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a
couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, 'Man riding a
bike.'

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills
them.

The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years
teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how
could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

I was sitting at a stoplight yesterday.....

....................... minding my own business, waiting on it to turn green when a carload of young, loud, Muslims shouting anti-American slogans, stopped next to me and cursed and glared. When the light changed, the Muslims shook their fists, hit the gas & darted off ahead of me. 

 

Suddenly, an 18-wheeler shoots thru the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely!  For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man that could have been me!"

 

So today, bright & early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.

A cowboy named Bud.....

......was overseeing his herd in a remote pasture when

suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?" 

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks 

at his peacefully grazing herd and     calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his     Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASApage on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. 

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.

He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly  1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks

on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is,

will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're an aide in the Obama Administration", says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog.

The Gay Cowboy.......

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.


She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a
Drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.


He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.


For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then, one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.


Two o'clock and no hired hand.


Finally, he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.


She quietly called him over to her..


"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.


Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my Boots."


He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. "Now take off my Socks."


He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her Boots.


"Now take off my skirt."


He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire Light.


"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.


Then she looked at him and said,

Very Adult Male Humor..... Rated R+

Things The Perfect Woman would say...


MAKE SURE YOU WANT TO CONTINUE.....

ARE YOU SURE???


DON'T FORGET... ADULT CONTENT.....


YOU"VE BEEN WARNED!!!

Are you a Democrat, a Republican?

Here is a little test that will help you decide.

The answer can be found by posing the following question:


You're walking down a deserted street with your wife
and two small children.
Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife
comes around the corner, locks eyes with you,
screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the
knife, and charges at you.

You are carrying a
Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot.

You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. 

What do you do?

Don't miss out on the Book-of-the-Year!