Saturday, January 25, 2020

3:02 AM

Subconscious: “Psst... You awake?”

Conscious, grumbling: “ I guess I am now”

“Ya know, I was thinking........”

No shit, maybe you should fucking be sleeping”

“ Wait, hear me out, How many great grandparents would you have if you went back say 1000 or more years?”

“Are you fucking serious?” a different subconscious silently curses Northeastern University's Engineering Dept, “that's what your thinking about?” 

Then, Conscious makes a foggy mistake.

What time is IT!?”

The Ghost of Steve Jobs smirks an evil smirk: “Grab your iphone and check”

Before anyone can stop him, Hand, like a golden retriever puppy, lurches out, and knocks over the water bottle.

Shit!” says Conscious

Hand fumbles on nightstand still half asleep.....

Eyes: “NOOO, don't look at the , AHHHHHH...” White laser light blasts the retinas.

What the fuck! It's 3:02 am! Put the phone down!” Conscious yells.

Hand, like a typical teen getting reprimanded, puts the phone down “What? I was just checking it for a second, you're always yelling at me”

Shut up hand, go adjust Scrotum, he's stuck to Thigh”

Kidney chimes in sounding like he's drowning: “Excuse me, I gotta go pee”

Morning Wood resting firmly against his favorite buttocky pillow: “Not till I'm done”

Is she sleeping?”  Conscious asks, suddenly oblvious to everything else.

Ear, metaphorically rolling his eyes “You can't hear that snoring?”

“What ssssnoring?” Morning wood says, sounding like a snake offering Conscious an apple.

“Listen you two, I gotta go, like now.” says Kidney with authority.

Shoulder: “Hey I'm cold, Hand, would you grab the covers?”

Hand, who all through this has been giving a good massage, reluctantly releases the Testicle Twins and obliges.
Subconscious “Hey, What if we went back to 3000 years? Man, that's an exponential shit load of great grandparents we might need a ….

Sphincter, Coughs.

There is a pregnant silence.

Nose: “Seriously dude? Have you been eating off the racoon's truck in the Geico commercial?”

Everyone giggles.

Subconscious: “ Those commercials are pretty funny! I wonder how much.....”

He's cut off by Conscious “Shut. Up.”

Kidney:”Hey, Morning Wood has left his post. Let's go”

Feet, acting like a toddler's first step, search for Slippers.

Morning wood, blocked by kidney, shouts: "Hey, if we knock over the water bottle again, maybe we can get her to stir?"

"We can't see!" feet interrupts.

Hand shoots for the iphone. 

Steve Job's Ghost snickers.

As conscious heads to the bathroom with everyone in tow, he sees Coffee Pot in the glow of the night light.

She's seductively sitting on the counter like a Colombian hooker. Beckoning.

Subconscious: “Hey, where's the calculator?........”


  1. I'm still looking for a calculator

  2. You ain't got one on your phone?!!!!!

  3. Shhhh... don't tell subconscious. !! LOL

  4. Try that happy face shit with sciatica.

  5. Hey Irish;

    That was really good, LOL

  6. Pretty funny but I hafta ask; did you compose that on the john since you sat down instead of gambling on morning wood not having a good aim and/or eyes told hand not to turn on the light?

  7. And throughout this magnificent tale of sleeplessness, not even a peep from Mr. Prostate?

  8. 500 hundred years of grandparents equal 1,000,000 persons Irish. 500,000 men, 500,000 women had to meet, procreate for you to lay in bed and have arguments between your conscious and subconscious with various sub parts vying for attention. At your age you still have morning wood? I am impressed. What use to greet me in the morn' with glee now just sulks and refuses to acknowledge me.

  9. @MrG thanks: I was trying to remember the whole thing as I typed it.

    @unknown: Made it standing :)

    @Brad: No issues that I know of. I sleep through the night most of the time

    @Cedarq: I haven't done the maff yet. Just in my head 1000 years with people giving birth say every 25 years for a generation would yield 400 generations.
    I have found some interesting info I will post.

    As far as Mister Wood. Yes, I guess I'm lucky he still looks up to me :)

  10. In your calculations don’t forget that 80% of females have successfully reproduced while only 40% of males have

  11. Shit! I'm 77 and still have morning wood. And the wife doesn't snore or fake sleep she just says no when I slide my hand under her nighty.

    I always prefer to pee standing up but I will admit every now and then you let go and there is no corresponding sound of pee hitting the water and that locks up that sphincter in a heartbeat with a little accompanying pain I might add.

  12. 80% and 40% may be good numbers calculating descendants but my back-of-the-envelope math says 100% of my ancestors reproduced..:-)

    10 generations back fans out to 1024 individuals and 20 generations to over a million, more than the entire population in most areas. 2nd or 3rd cousins marrying means lots of common ancestors.

    in 1020 you would be closely related to everyone else in your village.

  13. Poor morning wood.

    Just left hanging

  14. Cedarq? I don't remember no a...

  15. Good stuff - the post gets A+, Comments A

  16. Irish:

    That was the most brilliant one-act play I've ever read.

    If you could do 50 of those, you'd have a best seller.

  17. @Aesop. Thanks. I appreciate the vote of confidence.

    Glad you enjoyed :)

  18. Fat half Irish fingers with a good Swedish stubborn half... is that sick?

  19. Quite possible the funniest thing I have read in the past six months...

  20. It took me over two minutes to stop laughing, thank you for putting into words the early morning multi-point conflict of the body.


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