Subconscious: “Psst... You awake?”
Conscious, grumbling: “ I guess I
am now”
“Ya know, I was thinking........”
“No shit, maybe you should fucking be
sleeping”
“ Wait, hear me out, How many great
grandparents would you have if you went back say 1000 or more years?”
“Are you fucking serious?” a
different subconscious silently curses Northeastern University's
Engineering Dept, “that's what your thinking about?”
Then, Conscious makes a foggy mistake.
“What time is IT!?”
The Ghost of Steve
Jobs smirks an evil smirk: “Grab your iphone and check”
Before anyone can
stop him, Hand, like a golden retriever puppy, lurches out, and
knocks over the water bottle.
“Shit!” says
Conscious
Hand fumbles on
nightstand still half asleep.....
Eyes: “NOOO,
don't look at the , AHHHHHH...” White laser light blasts the
retinas.
“What the fuck! It's 3:02 am! Put
the phone down!” Conscious yells.
Hand, like
a typical teen getting reprimanded, puts
the phone down
“What? I was just checking it for a second, you're always yelling at me”
“Shut up hand, go adjust Scrotum,
he's stuck to Thigh”
Kidney chimes in
sounding like he's drowning: “Excuse me, I gotta go pee”
Morning Wood
resting firmly against his favorite buttocky pillow: “Not till I'm
done”
“Is she sleeping?” Conscious asks, suddenly oblvious to everything else.
Ear, metaphorically rolling his eyes
“You can't hear that snoring?”
“What
ssssnoring?” Morning wood says, sounding like a snake offering Conscious an apple.
“Listen you two,
I gotta go, like now.” says Kidney with authority.
Shoulder: “Hey
I'm cold, Hand, would you grab the covers?”
Hand, who all through this has been giving a good massage, reluctantly releases the
Testicle Twins and obliges.
Subconscious “Hey, What
if we went back to 3000 years? Man, that's an exponential shit load of
great grandparents we might need a ….
Sphincter, Coughs.
There is a pregnant
silence.
Nose: “Seriously
dude? Have you been eating off the racoon's truck in the Geico
commercial?”
Everyone giggles.
Subconscious: “
Those commercials are pretty funny! I wonder how much.....”
He's cut off by
Conscious “Shut. Up.”
Kidney:”Hey,
Morning Wood has left his post. Let's go”
Feet, acting like a
toddler's first step, search for Slippers.
Morning wood, blocked by kidney, shouts: "Hey, if we knock over the water bottle again, maybe we can get her to stir?"
"We can't see!" feet interrupts.
Hand shoots for the
iphone.
Steve Job's Ghost snickers.
As conscious heads
to the bathroom with everyone in tow, he sees Coffee Pot in the glow
of the night light.
She's seductively
sitting on the counter like a Colombian hooker. Beckoning.
Subconscious: “Hey,
where's the calculator?........”
You poor bastard.
ReplyDeleteI'm still looking for a calculator
ReplyDeleteYou ain't got one on your phone?!!!!!
ReplyDeleteShhhh... don't tell subconscious. !! LOL
ReplyDeleteTry that happy face shit with sciatica.
ReplyDeleteHey Irish;
ReplyDeleteThat was really good, LOL
Pretty funny but I hafta ask; did you compose that on the john since you sat down instead of gambling on morning wood not having a good aim and/or eyes told hand not to turn on the light?
ReplyDeleteEspecially since Sphincter coughed...
DeleteAnd throughout this magnificent tale of sleeplessness, not even a peep from Mr. Prostate?
ReplyDelete500 hundred years of grandparents equal 1,000,000 persons Irish. 500,000 men, 500,000 women had to meet, procreate for you to lay in bed and have arguments between your conscious and subconscious with various sub parts vying for attention. At your age you still have morning wood? I am impressed. What use to greet me in the morn' with glee now just sulks and refuses to acknowledge me.
ReplyDelete@MrG thanks: I was trying to remember the whole thing as I typed it.
ReplyDelete@unknown: Made it standing :)
@Brad: No issues that I know of. I sleep through the night most of the time
@Cedarq: I haven't done the maff yet. Just in my head 1000 years with people giving birth say every 25 years for a generation would yield 400 generations.
I have found some interesting info I will post.
As far as Mister Wood. Yes, I guess I'm lucky he still looks up to me :)
In your calculations don’t forget that 80% of females have successfully reproduced while only 40% of males have
ReplyDeleteShit! I'm 77 and still have morning wood. And the wife doesn't snore or fake sleep she just says no when I slide my hand under her nighty.
ReplyDeleteI always prefer to pee standing up but I will admit every now and then you let go and there is no corresponding sound of pee hitting the water and that locks up that sphincter in a heartbeat with a little accompanying pain I might add.
80% and 40% may be good numbers calculating descendants but my back-of-the-envelope math says 100% of my ancestors reproduced..:-)
ReplyDelete10 generations back fans out to 1024 individuals and 20 generations to over a million, more than the entire population in most areas. 2nd or 3rd cousins marrying means lots of common ancestors.
in 1020 you would be closely related to everyone else in your village.
Poor morning wood.
ReplyDeleteJust left hanging
Cedarq? I don't remember no a...
ReplyDeleteCedErq.. fat Irish fingers.
ReplyDeleteGood stuff - the post gets A+, Comments A
ReplyDeleteIrish:
ReplyDeleteThat was the most brilliant one-act play I've ever read.
Srsly.
MOAR.
If you could do 50 of those, you'd have a best seller.
@Aesop. Thanks. I appreciate the vote of confidence.
ReplyDeleteGlad you enjoyed :)
Fat half Irish fingers with a good Swedish stubborn half... is that sick?
ReplyDeleteQuite possible the funniest thing I have read in the past six months...
ReplyDeleteIt took me over two minutes to stop laughing, thank you for putting into words the early morning multi-point conflict of the body.
ReplyDelete