The Irishman, The Skirt and The Bus.....

'In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was waiting for a bus was
wearing a tight leather skirt.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her dismay, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind a third time to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Irishman who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Irishman smiled and said:

"Well, ma'am, normally oi wud agree witcha, but after yer unzipped me fly tree times, oi kinda figured we wus lads!"

Borrowed and modified with all due respect from "SARGE" on a tip from commenter Jim :)

Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking...

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken
ship.

"Follow me, son," the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the
mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins
showing."  









And they did.


"Well done, son!  Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins
showing." 


And they did.


"Now we eat everybody."  And they did.


When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them
all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"




His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit
inside!" 

H/T to Tom H

Murphy....

There was once an Irishman named Murphy who walked into an American Bar.
He sat down and asked the Bartender
"Give me three shots o' your finest Irish Whiskey!" the Bartender complies.

After about a week the bartender asks, "Murphy, would it be better for yeh
if I put all three shots of Irish Whiskey into one glass?"

Murphy replied, "well no. See I have two other brothers back at home,
Patrick and Owen, and everytime I come into a Pub or 
Bar I order a shot for each o' them so I can remember the good times."

Well, after another week of this routine, Murphy comes into the bar
and only asks for two shots of Irish Whiskey. 
The bartender immediately says "Murphy, is everything ok? 
Did somethin' happen to one of your brothers?"

"Oh no", Murphy said, "I just decided to quit drinkin!"

Old Age Might Be Fun!!....

Three mischievous old Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home when Grandpa Andy walked by. And one of the old Grandmas yelled out saying, 'We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.' 

Old Andy said, 'There is no way you can guess it, you old fools.'

One of the old Grandmas said, 'Sure we can! Just drop your pants and underpants and we can tell your exact age.'

Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, Grandpa Andy dropped his drawers. 

The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times. 

Then they all piped up and said, 'You're 87 years old!' Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the Grandpa Andy asked, 'How in the world did you guess?' 

Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison... 'We were at your birthday party yesterday!'

Wife for TEH WIN!

After having a disagreement, a married couple drove down a country lane
for  several minutes without saying a word to each other. 

Both believed they were
right, and neither wanted to give in.

They approached a pasture with a pack of mules.

"Relatives of yours?" the husband asked, gesturing at he group of animals.


"Yep," the wife replied. "In-Laws."


HAHAHHAHA

Me and Steve Are Out Tonight.....

While sitting at a bar with my friend recently, enjoying our 4th round of beers,

I pointed to two pathetic old drunks sitting across from us and told my friend, "Look at those guys... that's us in 10 years".

He responded,  "That's a mirror, asshole."

Judy married Ted.....

........ they had 13 children. Ted died of cancer.

She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children.  

Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.  

Judy remarried again,  ,.... and this time, she & John had 5 more children.  

Judy finally died, after having 25 children.  

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.

He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,

"Lord, they are finally together." 

Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret: 

  

"Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"

Margaret replied:.... "I think he means her legs, Ethel...."



... submitted by BobG :)

Final Conclusive Proof Of Death.....

There is finally conclusive evidence that Osama bin Laden and Muammar Gaddafi are dead.

Yesterday, they both registered to vote in Chicago.

A Texan Visits Galway.........

The Texan paid a visit to Galway, Ireland. He enters a pub and raises his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He shouts, 'I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin' fools. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back.' 

The room is quiet and no one takes of the Texan's offer.

Paddy Murphy gets up and leaves the bar. Thirty minutes later, he shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.  Is your bet still good?' asks Paddy.

The Texan answers, 'Yes, 'and he orders the barman to line up 10 pints of Guinness.

Immediately, Paddy downs all 10 pints of beer, drinking them all back to back.  The other pub patrons cheer and the Texan sits down in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and asks, 'If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?' 

Paddy Murphy replies, 'Oh................... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.' 

Vern.....

Vern works hard at the Phone Company but spends two nights each week
bowling, and he plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she
takes him to a local strip club.
...
The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Vern! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Vern. 'He's in my bowling league.'

When they are seated, a waitress asks Vern if he'd like his usual and
brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she
know that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Vern,
starts to rub herself all over him and says, 'Hi Vern. Want your usual
table dance, big boy?'

Vern's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Vern follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Vern tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken
him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4
letter word in the book..

The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez Vern, you picked up a real bitch
this time.'

VERN'S FUNERAL WILL BE HELD THIS COMING FRIDAY.

 

 

H/T to Dayne P.

The Irish Half-wit.............

A man owned a small farm in Ireland. The Irish Internal Revenue determined he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent an investigator out to interview him. "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them, demanded the investigator."

"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for three years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. "The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board." "Then there's the halfwit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 a week. He pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to...the halfwit!" said the agent. 


"That would be me," replied the farmer.

IRISH TALKING CLOCK........

IRISH TALKING CLOCK?

After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

'What's that big brass gong?' one of the guests asked.

'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied.

'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend.

'YUP, it is' replied the drunk.

'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.

'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.......

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'You ASSHOLE! It's THREE-FIFTEEN in the MORNING!'

No Wonder He is Inefficient....

All Obama's facebook friends are on welfare. He is an ineffective president
because he can never get through all their posts!



H/T to Chippy

A Bear and a Rabbit.........

..... are taking a shit in the woods.

 
The bear turns to the rabbit and says, "Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?"
 
The rabbit says, "No."
 
So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.

This will make you LOL'z...

A black guy, a white guy, a Christian, a Muslim, and a Communist walk into a bar.

The bartender says "What can I get you, Mr. President?"


stolen with all due respect from "TAM"

A Liberal Meets St Peter.................

A liberal appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.



'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the liberal offered. 'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face,

kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.

I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the s - - t out of all of you!



St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'