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Thursday, May 5, 2011

Dear Penthouse..........(rated R)

Note.. I was cleaning my files on the computer and came across this letter I had written for a friend of mine. It is a true story.

Dear Penthouse,

I never thought this would happen to me, I read the forum letters and don't usually believe them.

This all changed last week.

It was an overcast Friday afternoon as I headed for the local watering hole.

My name is Steve and this is my story.

I work for a tree service company in New England. I have a company truck that has our name stenciled on it so the boss asks me to park out back at my favorite bar. Remind me to Thank him. It was a long week so I was kinda daydreaming as I headed out to the outskirts of the blacktop. I found a spot and started gathering my glasses and butts to go inside for a frosty cold beer and some bullshittin’ with my friends. Glancing out the passenger door window I notice two chicks kinda sitting close together in the car beside mine.

At this point a mans instinct kicked in and the little devil sitting on my left shoulder said “ Fuckin’ A I hope they’re lesbians” ( all guys that see two hot chicks together hope they are lesbians) then the little angel sitting on my right shoulder says “There’s nothing to see here, move along” ( boy was he wrong!) I headed to the bar with the thoughts of the sweaty lesbian sex that I had almost seen.

I grabbed my seat and ordered a beer and did the usual salutations to all the regulars. We shot he shit for awhile and after another beer I decided to go outside for a butt.

I went out back and noticed the General Manager and two other guys standing about three rows behind my truck facing in that direction. Walking up to them I asked if everything was all right. They turned and looked at me
like kids that got caught with their fingers in the cookie jar, at this point one of them said something about two girls in a car, I said “Are they fighting?”
They all said at the same time “ Oh no They’re not fighting!” with sinister grins. The little devil on my left shoulder said “ I fucking knew it!”.

This is when the lion got his courage, I cinched up my belt , sucked in my gut , pushed out my chest and came up with plan. I would go back to my truck pretend I am looking for something and get a front row view.

When I got to the truck I pretended not to notice what was going on, although I could tell the seats were reclined and the chicks were facing together. The other three girlie men looked like squirrels watching a raccoon robbing a trashcan.

It seemed like an eternity for me to rummage for nothing in my truck, I had all the excitement ,anticipation and semi-erectness of a 15 year old sneaking up to his older sisters window during a cheerleader sleepover hoping to catch her friends in a lingered, lesbian orgy.

I turned around and stepped towards the car------

The little angel on my right shoulder said “ Steven be good and go back to the bar!” the little devil on my left shoulder ran across the back of my neck and proceeded to impale the angel with his pitchfork, killing him instantly.
The little devil walked back over , sat down, cracked a beer and said
“ Let the games begin!”

My eyes widened to the most beautiful site any man has seen, as the image of two entwined females was burning in my retina, my brain was searching for a handful of pristine memory cells, not tainted by beer and cigarettes to save the view, synapses were firing on overload. My brain wanted to save this forever, someday when I’m in an old folks home drooling and shitting myself, people will be wondering why I always have a happy grin on my face.

The clouds opened and a bright beam of sunlight shone down on me, I think I even heard trumpets. Neil Young was sitting on the roof of the car strumming his acoustic and giving me thumbs up. He reached into his pocket and handed me the twenty bucks he owed me with a smile. The Democrats were in complete control of all aspects of government. I shook those fantasies away and focused on the buffet in front of me.

The girls had the seats reclined and were passionately making out, the girl in the passenger seat had her hand down the front of the drivers pants.
She was working her friend over furiously, it looked like two kittens were fighting in a denim bag. The thought of glistening wet , freshly shaved pussy, covered in silk thong panties, being so roughly fondled, brought a tear to my eye.

I felt someone move forward on my left shoulder.

He said “ Knock on the window and ask to join.” So I did.

I knocked and the girls kinda stopped what they were doing, kinda.

I said “ Girls, I’m going to be 50 next weekend, for my birthday would you please let me watch?”

They said yes! , I proceeded to jump into the backseat , where they started to remove my clothes and do things to me and each other in a caligula type orgyastic, wild monkey love type of way….. so I wished.

Truthfully, they said no, and I thanked them and walked away as they finished their little trist.

Walking back to the bar like the NBC peacock, I thought I died and went to heaven. Needless to say I was the hit of the bar, telling my side of the story to all that would listen.

As it turns out I was told that the two girls usually come in with their husbands for dinner and drinks. I think I will send an anonymous round of beers to the two husbands for being so goddamned lucky.

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